Ok, so sue me. Oh, look at him, Wolfey won't update fast enough for me, he's so slow. What's his problem?
Come on, I know you 5 readers are thinking that. Well, here's another, straight from this slow-pokes mouth.
This afternoon, I was sitting in the restroom, conducting business nature had long ago planned for all of us in her uber eco-corporate office of hers, and thinking about this site.A majority of you who I know read this, well, I know face to face. I don't really expect a lot of outside readers, as much as I would absolutely -love- to have people I've never met from all around the world reading about my life and laughing at it like it's a big sit-com. I had plans for this place, people! I was going to be a -star-! Write about the news, say my piece on just about every topic under the sun, and most of all, -review- things.
Yeah, that far-fetched dream where a few producers throw me a bone every once in a while, so as I may give my unfettered spin of what should be where and why I do/don't like said product. Instead, here I am, hardly saying a word. Well, one step at a time. And with that said, I bring you my next review, with a little prologue on where I got the idea.
Remember, I was sitting on the pot.
Cottonelle Ultra, brought to you by the makers of Kleenex, the tissue used most by football players after they declare that they're 'going to Disneyland!' (Superbowl Sunday, people! COMMERCIAL TIME :D) Being on sale at Publix for the attractive price of 2 for 7.00$, my sister and I got 12 rolls of the stuff, hoping for the best.
Now, I'm not picky about my toilet paper. I notice a lot of these producers put frilly patterns on my ass-paper, and frankly, I don't understand it. It sits on a roll in a bathroom that is deserted for most of the day, and when someone arrives, it's shining moment of recognition is also it's downfall. You don't look at toilet paper unless you plan on using it. Well, Kleenex seems to know this and skips over the frills for a very, very functional ridge design. It makes me think I have some professional toilet paper, like it went to school for this.
One issue I have had with toilet paper in the past happens to be with texture and softness. I'm a man, and as a man, I like some rough things. I like to play football, I like to fight, and I also like to ATV when I can through mud, bushes, and other wilderness things. I do not like to be reminded of these things while in the process of using my toilet paper. I'll be the man to admit what we've all been thinking: as manly as we like to be, we like soft, supple toilet paper that makes our asses feel like pampered princesses. Those who do not agree, please get a reality check, or just use leaves. This Cottonelle Ultra was amazingly what I was hoping for, making... well, making my ass feel like a pampered princess. Next paragraph.
Something we all don't want to think about when we're thinking toilet paper (as if we like to think toilet paper) is whether it's going to be there for the long run. That's right, none of us want to think about that paper that ends out like Mir coming out of orbit halfway through a wipe. We want a paper that'll hold up through a wipe, fold, and make another pass. Give me my snowspeeder of toilet papers! It has finally come to pass: this toilet paper can easily take down any AT-AT you have... up there.
Lastly, for the fact that I'm actually in a writing mood, I'll tackle an altogether nonexistent issue with toilet paper: the mascot. I've never really been sold on mascots, more pushed away than anything. Some of them make no sense when it comes to our product. Little sewing ladies doesn't bring to mind -anything- I'd even remotely want near my ass, and the big fat bears strike fear to my exposed rear more than anything. and then you have Cottonelle, with a cute little puppy dog. It doesn't click any better, at first, but I now understand the message. Puppies are soft, and fluffy, and I'm sure if you found the urge would make your ass feel pampered and royal. Ah ha! What's more perfect (and televisable) to represent a content rump than a fluffy, fuzzy and soft puppy! My seat needs no shriveled old ladies sticking needles in my paper, nor do I want toilet paper that may attract bears. I don't care how many puppies play in my unraveled toilet paper as I do my business!
Ahem.
As for Cottonelle Ultra from Kleenex, I give it a 10 out of 10. I can assure you you'll have an enjoyable experience in your selected restroom establishment. Next week: ENDURANCE TESTING.
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